Friday, December 21, 2007

You will need a lot of time for this one


Doodling with my new Bamboo pen(click). What a cool gadget! I wasn't sure if I would like it and it is going to take a bit of getting used to, but I think I am falling for it!

Ornament project....this was a few days ago and I for some reason missed these shots. So lets take a little trip back.

Since we put Ethan's new train set in his room we had to move something out....his bed. Not like he uses it. Once in a while he has a nap there but otherwise we keep him snug in our bed.
When I went to move his bed I found it kinda stuck, I tugged and found that it was iced to the wall. Hmmm. Says something about our heating bill!
The other pic.....big shoes to fill. He was so mad that he couldn't get his foot in.

Back to today....my sweet-ums!

After doing our painting project of the day I was snapping away and Kaitlyn took off.."me pitch too....cheese mom."

"See pic" (lets review and see if it was any good)

Off to check on Eth-man---don't remember if it was a diaper change or playing train or what, but when I came back this is what I found. Our house is now covered in glitter...I mean it, seriously, it is everywhere. My floors after trying to sweep (I should have mopped now in hindsight) are glittery, the sweeping just spread it out even more.

Uncle Phil and Auntie Em came over for lunch so mom could take Aunt Deb out for her Birthday .....Happy birthday!!!

Off to the spa. Bye-bye yucky toes, hello pretty new toes! I went back to En Vogue for my monthly treat. I have never---really---never ever had a professional pedicure. It was really nice.

First I soaked my feet in a beach inspired room with a palm leaf umbrella and beach photos on the wall, soft ambient music in the back ground, and a hot apple cider in my hand.
Next I climbed into a warm cozy bed with a heat pack around my neck and just my toes stuck out. The technician worked silently the whole time and left me to my thoughts.

Being so relaxed with no where to go and nothing to do but keep myself company is so weird! I thought...really thought, without having half an ear tuned in to the sound of my kids or waiting for a sound...like right now.

I though back to the days before kids. I would come home from work, make dinner, watch TV, hang out with friends, go rollerblading, go for drinks, do crafts, scrapbook, do my nails, hang out on the couch snuggling with my hubby, dream up new decor for my house, dream up renos, garden, tan, paint---life was good!

But I always felt like something was missing. Don't get me wrong life was full, I had my family, friends, my husband, the Lord, what else could a girl want...I mean need, I can always come up with wants.

I had a longing in my womb...like it was crying out, "I am empty, and need to be filled"
It was a strange ache, it made me cry with longing for a child. My heart cried to, it wanted to share the love I knew it had. I just wanted a baby so bad!
When we found out I was pregnant I was so excited, the dreams for that child and the possible life ahead, the anticipation was so great.

Then a few months in I passed a small clot and thought we should get it checked out. We went to the hospital and they did a few tests but said they were inconclusive and it was borderline with heartbeat hearing...shy a week or so of a good beat.
They said I was probably fine and set me up for an ultra sound the next day. I went to work and Dave did too....his commute about 30 mins to 1 hour to down town Edmonton from St. Albert depending on the day.

I felt fine and went to the ultra sound alone. It took forever, the technician looked and looked, relubed and looked some more...not saying a word.
I started to get worried and asked, "what do you see?"
She said "well, I will have to get the head tech, I do not have the authorization to speak" and walked out.

My heart broke.

I knew it couldn't be good. He came in and said, "There is no heart beat, the baby died yesterday." He then told me that I must go wait in the ER waiting room and wait to get an appointment for a D and C, things did not look good.
I went out side called Dave, wept and told him we had lost the baby then went back in sat in a full waiting room....min 30 people, found a chair, curled up into a ball and sobbed, rocked and sobbed. Crap...now I can hardly write through the tears, this is so hard!!!!

Dave cabbed it and was there in 35 mins, tears streaming down his face and we sat and rocked and wept together. It was as if our dreams where flushed out the window.
We sat for hours before getting called in and once in the doctor said, "oh, did someone tell you already?" "YES!!! do you not see our faces!!!!"
He then told us that it was his job to tell us and that if he had know that we knew he would never have let us out into that waiting room, we must have freaked a few people out!

I went in for the D&C...which did not go well. Every time I get put out I have a worse reaction and struggle really badly to wake up. It takes me hours longer than most people and then I am extremely sick after. I was afraid going in, I was still in shock and it was all going too fast.
Next thing I know we are back home trying to get our lives back on track and with doctors orders not to try again for 6 months. I really needed to recover well.

The next ten months were the longest of my life. What if I could never conceive again, what if I just couldn't carry a baby, will my body reject the next one too? It had been over 6 months, why wasn't I pregnant? We were trying.

It seemed every one around me had a baby, my friends and every one else. Why not me Lord???

I now believe that this time was a time that the Lord was teaching me to really lean on Him, trust Him, learn patience and get a true appreciation for life.

After 10 months we were pregnant again, but with a new perspective. Excited, but cautious, and the appreciation for that little life and how precious and fragile it really is and how much of a miracle it is was so huge.

I sit and reflect now on how much my life has changed in the last three years---it was 3 years and two weeks ago that we fould out I was pregnant with Kaitlyn.

My life now is so different. I am now a stay at home mommy---and paint and blog on the side to stay sane---and my work no longer involves a lab, good friends, nap times, extended rollerblade lunch breaks, days off just because it is nice out, bonus' just cause, cranky dentists, stress from metal work not fitting or miss-casts. I sure miss some of it, but the cranky dentists part, nope!

Anyway, I wipe snot, change diapers, play house and trains and cars all day, clean occasionally, and cook meals, and can say I love my life. I am so blessed!
I no longer have that ache, usually don't have time to think about it.

You now understand why this blog is mostly about them, and all the photos, it is because I love them that much, I just cannot get enough of them and want to capture and savour every moment. I want my memory bank to be so full when I am old and grey and as I sit and rock I can reflect and weep with joy that I could be there for every single stinkin moment!

Now, back to the spa....whew, I don't know if I can handle another pedicure if it brings all this out of me!


They sent me home in flip-flops, so I didn't wreck my nail polish. Hello! It is the middle of winter!

When I got home Kaitlyn saw my nails and had to do hers too, Ethan watched.


We finished off the night with another craft project, more magnets. Kaitlyn just loves to glue things!

Now I must say, if you made through all my rambling, thank you! And congratulations, and sorry to vent on all of you. I haven't really gotten the whole miscarriage thing out like that before, I feel so light!

8 comments:

Badness Jones said...

Anna - I find myself at a loss for words. That was a beautiful post. You have the loveliest children, and it is clear to anyone who reads your blog how much you cherish them.

Anonymous said...

This blogs brings back lots of memories - the sad ones with the loss of the first baby and the exciting ones - the post Christmas season news of Kaitlyn! Awesome gift that year.
Waiitng for Saturday.
Love
Mare

Kami said...

Anna, I am so sorry that you and Dave had to go through that heartbreak. But God has doubly blessed you with those two little cherubs and you are such a fantastic Mommy to them.

Hello? You let your two year old actually do her own nail polish! That is the sign of an excellent Mother. :-)

And the illo is fantastic. I can't wait to see what you will come up with next!

The Chatty Housewife- said...

Glad you feel like you can share... (hugs)

Anonymous said...

Sweetie,

Thank you for sharing the story. I know that you and Dave had a really rough time. You are right about God helping you through it and making you stronger. It is amazing what we can handle when we put Him first.

I keep looking at the pictures of the munchins and think how beautiful they are! You are truly blessed.

Hope to see you!

Love and miss you lots!
Aunty Kathy

Family Adventure said...

Beautiful post, Anna. I am so sorry for your miscarriage, but now that you look at your two miracles, you must see that it couldn't have been any different :)

The pictures are awesome. I love the picture of Ethan watching Kaitlin do her nails. LOL.

Heidi :)

Karen MEG said...

Cute toesies Anna!
I am sorry that you had to go through the heartbreak of miscarriage. I never have, but infertility was a huge hurdle for us for years, so I can totally relate.
I'm so very happy that I have my precious two now, and so glad that things worked out for you as well.
You have such a happy home, beautiful hubby and children, a blessed life. I love visiting your blog and seeing snippets of your time with them through your amazing photos.
Hope you have a great Christmas!

herM said...

thanks for sharing, and glad you got that 'out'! So hard. I lost one at just a few weeks, and found even that really heartbreaking. you've got a pair of winners now :) amazing what a few truly quiet minutes will do to your head, isn't it?! true quality time. merry christmas :)